A Day at a Time

Jasmyn: Time to wake up, honey.

Felix: I dreamt you were sitting on my cock.

Jasmyn: We don't have time.

Felix: Let's skip breakfast. It'll be quick this time, I promise.

Jasmyn: You know I need time to build.

Tiffany: Mom, you forgot to buy orange juice. This is the third time.

Jasmyn: Time to go. Why are all of Alex's socks missing?

Felix: Well dear, there's a time in boy's adolescence when tube socks become abundant and rare, all at once.

Jasmyn: If I could turn back time, I'd marry Lance Bass.

Felix: He's gay, dear.

Jasmyn: At one time, before 2006, he was straight to me.

Felix: We're running out of time. Tiffany needs to be at school fifteen minutes early for volleyball. Your daughter still can't hit the ball over the net.

Jasmyn: I don’t like your insinuation there. I’ll have you know, I hit the ball over the net an average number of times.

Alex: Mom, I didn't have time to eat.

Jasmyn: Pop tart.

(That's what your father used to call me when we first started dating. That was another time.)

Felix: Grab one for your sister too, and get in the SUV.

Jasmyn: I love you, children.

(Even though you drive me mad, suck every ounce of energy from me, and steal all my free time.)

Jasmyn: Have a good day. Remember someone else's mom is taking you home tonight.

(I crave solitary time. I fear empty nest will reveal my craving as hollow. Sometimes, I feel like I don't exist as an individual human anymore.)

Alan: Look who’s on time.

Jasmyn: Look who’s being passive aggressive. You know by the time I drop the kids off at school, I hit rush hour.

Alan: I don’t have the time for your mommy drama. Do you have those spreadsheets I asked for yesterday?

Tanya: Coffee time?

Jasmyn: Something with full-fat cow milk. We must form little protests against the non-fat, soy bitches; the almond milk athleisurewear blondes. In this way, we fight for suburban female existence. In this way, we stand up against expectations of what a younger middle-aged woman should be. The only weapon we have to fight the billions of dollars marketing companies feed into our gendered existence is our persistence over time.

Tanya: I know you're right but I really wanted a soy matcha latte.

Jasmyn: Shit, what's the time? I’ve gotta get back to the desk or Alan is never going to let it go. I promised him spreadsheets an hour ago.

Tanya: Alan’s a dingleberry. Hey, do you remember that time when I kept talking and fifteen more minutes passed because you were so engaged in my story?

Jasmyn: Shit, is that time right now?

Tanya: Yup.

Cassie: What time is the meeting?

Jasmyn: Same time as always.

Amber: What time do we start?

Jasmyn: Same time as always.

Tanya: What time is happy hour?

Jasmyn: Same time as always.

Alan: What time do you need to leave today? Do you have a kid thing again?

Jasmyn: I’ve always got a kid thing, boss, two of 'em.

Jasmyn: It’s time for lunch. I’m going to step away from my desk.

Alan: Did you get me those spreadsheets?

Jasmyn: I’ll get them to you after lunch.

Alan: Do you have a blood sugar thing?

Jasmyn: You know my dad always comes to visit me in the cafeteria on Mondays.

Alan: I didn’t know that. Why would I know that?

(Because I’ve mentioned it every Monday for the last six years.)

Alan: Well, you don’t let him use your employee discount, do you? That’s not ethical.

Jasmyn: It’s not ethical to charge $9 for a tuna sandwich.

Alan: My Uncle Mack ate a tuna sandwich for lunch every day for twenty years. Just canned tuna with mayonnaise on toast. Died of mercury poisoning, that son of a bitch. It was his time to go, I guess.

Jasmyn: I guess no one ever knows how much time they've got left. Like me, for example, I’ve only got fifty-three minutes left on my lunch hour. And my dad is waiting for me.

Alan: People aren't born on schedules and they sure as hell don't die on schedules. Even if your doctor says your baby'll be born on this and thata’ day, even if your doctor says you've got three weeks to live, they're wrong all the time.

Jasmyn: Women schedule c-sections and induce labor all the time. Scheduling birth is a common practice these days.

Alan: What a time we live in. I learn things from you all the time, Jazz.

Jasmyn: Please don’t call me Jazz. We talked about this, Al.

Alan: It's Mr. Trebecki. Don't start getting casual on me. This isn't one of those casual start-ups. You know, in my time, life was simpler. Women rarely worked.

Jasmyn: Rarely even spoke, I imagine.

Alan: And men all had nicknames, and they liked them too. You know the number of times I've received employee complaints?

(A couple of times, I’m guessing.)

Alan: None, and that's the gosh honest truth. Anyway, the doctors told my friend Jack that he had three weeks to live, then he walked outta their office and got hit by a bus. And that's it. True story. No more time for Jack. Why are you picking up your phone? He really did get hit by a bus. Don't Google it. It's not on Google. It was before Google. Before your time.

Jasmyn: It’s my dad. He’s waiting for me in the cafeteria. Can we finish this story another time?

Alan: Sure, unless you have a Jack. Ha! See what I did there?

Jasmyn: Turned Jack’s tragic death into a joke? Yeah, I saw it. I’ll see you later.

Alan: Spreadsheet, Jasmyn. Not tomorrow, today. After lunch. I’ve got a deadline. You’ve had plenty of time.

Jake: I’ll tell you something, fellas, the number of times I made Nicole orgasm, you'd think she wouldn't be able to walk straight for a week.

Tom: I’ll tell you something, Jake, Bea told me that her friend told her that Nicole didn't like you all that much and she's moved onto the next guy.

Paul: Damn, Jake. It must be a hard time for you. Get it? It's a pun about your dick and your sorrow.

Alan: This is the last time I'll warn you boys about making dick jokes in the workplace.

Paul: Yeah, this is not the time or the place, Jake.

Tom: We’re on the clock, Jake. We’re being paid company money. Stop jerking off by the water cooler.

Alan: I think you mean jerking around, Tom. It’s a common mistake. It happens all the time. Just get back to work, alright?

Jake: Thanks guys. I appreciate you throwing me under the bus for the one thousandth time.

Dad: I got us both a panini this time.

Jasmyn: Did you use my employee discount?

Dad: Just like you taught me. Works every time. Let’s find a seat.

Dad: Do you remember that time your Aunt Pearl rolled up the Persian cat in the Persian rug and stowed it under the bed? For two days and eight hours we thought the cat had run away but that little pussy licked her way to freedom just like your Aunt Opal that time she got lost in the red light district.

Jasmyn: You know, I went to the red light district about this time ten years ago. Before the kids. It was surprisingly clean. I wasn't afraid of catching gonorrhea in an alleyway or anything.

Dad: Do you have time to share a piece if chocolate cake?

Jasmyn: Who died this time?

Dad: Don’t be ridiculous. No one died. Can’t a father buy a piece of chocolate cake for his daughter without having ulterior motives? So? Do you have time or what?

Jasmyn: I’ll make time.

Dad: Good. You stay here. I’m gonna run to get that cake and two forks before someone buys the last slice. Last time, they ran out of chocolate.

Jasmyn: Carrot’s fine too. Take your time. I’m not going anywhere.

Dad: Carrot’s shit. Have I taught you nothing?

Dad: I got the last slice. Right on time. Take a bite.

Jasmyn: Tastes like the last slice of heaven.

Dad: That’a girl. I’ll tell you something, your mom's always been gay. She was looking for a good time to tell you, but she never could find the right time. But I thought you deserved to know.

Jasmyn: Mom's gay? And you picked now of all times to tell me? Over chocolate cake? I knew bad news was coming. You always buy me something sweet before giving me bad news. I'm not five anymore. You could’ve just told me without sweetening me up first.

Dad: You don't want the cake? Well, there's a first time for everything.

Jasmyn: I didn't say that I don't want it. But you should know that because of you, there's never been a time when I've been able to fully enjoy a desert without worrying that bad news is coming.

Dad: There’s something else you should know.

Jasmyn: Oh Christ. Are you gay too? Is my life an episode of The Maury Show?

Dad: What? No! Of course not. But you know your Aunt Opal? She's not really your Aunt. She's your mom's longtime partner. You probably remember that time you walked in on them. No? Well, I remember it. I just didn’t want to believe it then.

Jasmyn: God, dad. Is there anything else? Because now's not really a good time. I've gotta go back to work after this.

Dad: Slow down, Jasmyn. You’re eating that cake like this is a competition. What’s the rush?

Jasmyn: I’m afraid if I don’t finish this cake in the next five seconds, you’re gonna tell me my husband’s not really my husband. And excuse me if I have to work. We can't all be retired and carefree.

Dad: But you just said you'd make time.

Alan: Why am I not surprised to find you face down on the keyboard at your desk like a four-year old during nap time?

Jasmyn: This is the face of death by chocolate.

Alan: Now that you’ve resurrected, maybe you can find some time to send me those spreadsheets?

Jasmyn: I dreamed I was swimming through chocolate cake, then drowning in the icing. I dreamed that time was a cruel mistress named Aunt Opal. I dreamed that Aunt Opal was the face of a clock with broken batteries—time kept moving, but the teller of time stood still.

Tanya: That's deep as the river of time. You should take that shit to a dream interpreter.

Alan: Is sleeping at your desk also a mom thing? Our clients deserve better than this. You’re wasting their precious time. They’re paying us for a service, you know.

Jasmyn: Once upon a time people were who I thought they were. Like my mother.

Felix: I know this is a hard time for you, honey. What can I do? What can I say?

Jasmyn: Is that why I've been obsessed with Lance Bass for all this time?

Felix: I don’t think that’s how gay works, but I’m gonna sit here and let to you talk this out even if it takes all night because I love you, pop-tart.

Jasmyn: Sometimes, I wondered if you’d forgotten my nickname.

Felix: We were supposed to have a date night tonight, but if you want to go out another time I can cancel the sitter. We can just sit here and cry until you feel better.

Jasmyn: If I stay home, I'll end up rolled in the rug with the Persian cat. I refuse to end up that way. Not today. Not this time.

Felix: We don’t have a Persian cat. You're thinking of your other family from some other time.

Jasmyn: We can't buy back time, so we might as well spend it. Let's go out. Dinner, then a bar. I already paid the sitter. Besides, I deserve a shot.

Felix: Did we really buy four rounds of $2 fireballs? I can’t believe we used to go to that bar all the time.

Jasmyn: It tastes like Christmas is burning down my throat. It's coming up again. The trauma of Christmas time. My parents lied to me all those years.

Uber Driver: Time might heal all wounds but that doesn’t stop it from leaving behind some nasty scars. There are puke bags in the door.

Felix: Did you just make that up? It sounds like a cliché. How much time until we’re home?

Uber Driver: The truth often sounds like a cliché. This time it just so happens to be true.

Jasmyn: Is our Uber driver talking to us? Why is he talking to us? Doesn’t he know that this is our time? Doesn’t he sense that this is a personal conversation? Doesn’t he get that we’re paying him to be invisible?

Uber Driver: I can hear everything you’re saying, and it hurts. I’m giving up my precious time to drive you home. Doesn’t that count for anything? I’ve got a wife and kids as well. I’d rather be spending time with them.

Jasmyn: I bought mom some Bengay one time as a Secret Santa gift, and she went on a tirade for twenty minutes about how we were all just trying to rub it in. I didn’t understand back then. I just thought it was a funny gift.

Jasmyn: Did you have a good time tonight? I’m sorry I monopolized the conversation with my family drama. I didn’t want to spend our adult time that way.

Felix: I don't like to judge a clock by its ticks, but, yeah, I had a good time. I wish we had more times like this. Just the two if us. No kids.

Jasmyn: Those were the days. Go brush up, Alex. Two minutes, remember? Birthday song twice. I'm timing you.

Felix: I’ll time him. You go to bed and wait for me.

Alex: Why would she wait for you?

Jasmyn: Perfect timing. I was just pulling down my pants.

Felix: Talk dirty to me, Jazz, it's grown-up time.


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